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It is just not fair. I got scared tonight by fucking batman! I thought I had dealt with this issue, but I froze up, couldn't breath, and logged my ass out as fast as I could. I went back while logged out and looked and like always I had behaved irrationally. I just want to know when I am going to be able to let my guard down. When am I going to be able to relax and accept the fact that he is not coming back and I don't have to worry any more!? I know that if he were I would sink once again into his pit of sickness, lies and depravity. He was just that good. I just breath, tell myself it has been a long time, and breath. Just please let him be gone.
If its who I think it is..don't give him the satisfaction. You are a strong woman now....you are standing on your own two feet.....so use one and kick his ass and let him know how he makes you feel. :)
I have had a long boring day mixed with a very few random moments of entertainment. It has been so bad I even managed to sleep for 3 hrs undisturbed. How unusual.
Lets just hope a nice long VR night will be more entertaining. Because I don't need to fall asleep again haha..
I was rereading everything I had ever written in my journal (the personal stuff) and realize now how much I have changed, and how many people I owe a big debt of gratitude for their helping me to make the change to the woman I am today. So many people were supportive of me when I took the big steps that have never come naturally to me, gave me the backbone to do the things I did.
In two years I have become an independant, self-aware person. I no longer fear my now ex-husband and even have taken to making him tow the line instead of the other way around. I not only am allowed to work, but actually have 3 jobs that I truly love (most of the time). I have a great network of friends, here and in real life too. I have gotten to the point where even tho my ex has legal custody, the kids are back with me more than him. I have an apartment that is perfect for my needs at this time.
Just so many things that looked at the time like big steps back, I look at now and realize how far forward I have actually come. I am honestly for the first time proud of myself.
There are going to be many more changes in my life I am sure. Mark leaves for oregon on the 9th and wont be home for at least 6 months. I am going to be finally meeting my two best VR friends soon. That in itself is scary. I know people like/love the VR me, the online me. But the real me is kinda boring, and I worry that I won't live up to expectations. And on top of everything else, I am probably getting another dog tomorrow. M brought home a sad story of an unloved pup and a phone number. Knowing my big ass heart, I am gonna adopt the lil guy. Like the spoiled rotten baby I got now isnt enough!
Oh well. I should probably sleep. I am supposed to be up in 5 hrs and havent truly slept since Sunday afternoon.
Congratulations on your accomplishments. There is no shortage of courage invoved when making drastic changes. It is a testament to your true strength, my dear.
Oh Hell!
07:12 Sep 28 2010 Times Read: 612
I got a new reader..a fan so to speak. Told him my ramblings ain't worth readin, but nobody believes me..like always haha. Anyway. Thought I would put this in here, flatter him a bit, so he knows that the last thing I do before I sleep is write about him. Thats gonna make him think wtf hehe..
The writer is their own worst critic. Never take their word for the quality of their craftsmanship.
Anyways, I'm sure whoever he is, he's flattered.
Lord Have Mercy
05:37 Sep 28 2010 Times Read: 615
I would pray to the devil if I thought it would help at this point. Bad boys comin out the wood work..and I can't help but pant after them all. Give me a man with a tattoo..or piercing..or police record..omg..and dont forget the bike! Man dont have a motorcycle..phew..he is safe from my predatory nature!! The things I can imagine!! WOW!
Well I made it thru my 3rd weekend on this new job. I am absolutely positive that the 12 hour nights will kill me but I am making a lot of progress on mastering the machinery.
I am still having a lot of conflict in my personal life tho. Being good is too damn hard! Wanna be bad!
Ok, apparently I am totally screwed. I think I need a big sign at the top of profiles that flat out says Hey Dumbass You Rated Here Already-Go Away. I keep running into ones that I have rated. For every ten pages I look at I have rated 9 of them!! And I HATE rating newbies..its so not fair to them!!
You have no idea how bad I am wishing I didn't have such a hectic life. Went to put the kids to bed and lost my favorite conversationalist! They prolly went to bed too..but damn! Now I have a whole night with no one to talk to and then 3 days without much VR contact at all thanks to the inconvenience of employmen!! GRRR!!!
oh, and that other shoe did drop..hit me on the damn toe too!! hurt like hell!!
Ok, wow..here goes. met this guy yesterday. oh hush! if my hubby dont care why should you? anyway..back to what i was sayin..met this guy..he is freakin awesome! been talkin for hrs bout anything and everything! i swear he could be a male me..we totally get along on a ton of stuff..
Things have been so up and down in my life lately that I am losing control of my alter. Confusion reigns supreme and the every day is becoming mundane. I wanna be me for a bit. No one willing to take the offer to be my watcher/keeper as I go wild LOL. Guess I may just have to risk it all. The blood is calling and if I don't answer soon things may get to be too much for anyone to handle..let alone me.
COMMENTS
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ladySnowStrixx
15:54 Sep 30 2010
hun,m I,m not Sure what you mean by you got scared by batman , but I hope yo get better.
LadyChordewa
19:50 Sep 30 2010